I'm Really Digging Me

Digging You Baby.

Baby, don't you know that I'm digging you?

BFF: He said he was really digging a chick across town.

Me: Yeah, that's what he SAID. But I wanna know what his definition of "digging someone" is.

BFF: I guess he was really feeling her.

Me: Yes, with his fingers, hands, lips and other body parts.

BFF: You think so?

Me: I'm not so sure, but let me tell you what my experience when someone says he's "digging me" versus what I actually want to happen when they are really "digging me".

BFF: Ok, what's your experience with that term?

Me: Dude says he's "digging me" but he constantly looking for the next best thing. He actually told me he was constantly looking for the next best thing. If he was really digging me he would have realized that I was the next best thing.

BFF: You can't be open to receive a man like that.

Me: Exactly.

BFF: Oh, I get it. He said he was digging me, but he was calling me bad names and using profanity towards me. I cannot take someone treating me badly. He had to go. I need someone to speak positive words to me.

Me: He said he was digging me but he had a toddler's temper tantrum when I didn't answer the phone on the first two rings. Then when I called him back, he accused me of horrible stuff I didn't even do. I want him to respect my time and be confident in himself.

BFF: I think he got you confused with his other woman.

Me: Or he was just confused period.

BFF: He said he was digging me, but he wanted me to be his chick on the side.
Me: That's NOT digging you dear.

BFF: I know. I'm more than enough woman for one man. I'm not sharing and I refuse to take seconds or leftovers.

Me: I got one. He said he was digging me, but he married someone else a few days later.

BFF: What they said and what they did were very contradictory.

Me: Exactly. When someone tells me they are digging me, I expect to see it with their actions. If they are digging me, they treat me with respect and kindness. They use positive words to uplift and encourage. They realize that I am not that other woman. They do not confuse one woman with all women.
BFF: Some of them are not open to receive good treatment. They are so guarded they don't trust anybody. It's a vicious cycle.

Me: Because some other woman wronged them, they come at us all crazy like we are that woman or we are gonna wrong them. That's not necessarily true. Granted we are guarded too, but we don't start out with the bad treatment. I believe since they are charged with protecting us and making us feel safe, if they want that love and companionship they claim to want, they should approach us from a position of vulnerability.  Women are more than willing to respond in kind and positively to a man who starts out with kindness, honesty and respect.  My experience with that term "digging" is plain and simple.  That only meant he wanted what he wanted at that time.  

BFF:  What did he want?

Me:  He wanted to either own me, possess me or just have me as toy.  I am not a toy.  I can be a really good friend when I'm treated right.

BFF:  Wow.  Women want to love, nurture and be loved.

Be open about who you really are and what you really want. If you don't know, then find out.  Dig a little deeper into who you really are.  Otherwise you just look like a dog just digging...

What do you mean when you say you are digging someone?

What do you expect from a person when they say they are digging you?

Boiled Blood

Sistahs, I’m NOT Happy with some of YOU!

Why?  Because there are some of you who make cheating, no good men feel it’s ok to do what they do.  If I’m blogging, writing, talking to you, then you KNOW I’m talking to you and you should read this entire post to learn something TODAY.   Otherwise, I may be preaching to the choir, and that’s ok because the choir can add input from their perspective in the comments section.

Enablers – Some women are enablers.  They enable a sorry man to continue living a sorry life.   The dictionary defines an enabler as: “one that enables another to achieve an end; especially: one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior”

I especially like that last part.  The making it possible for the sorry so in so to avoid the consequences of BAD behavior by taking him back time and time again.  Some examples are: women who pay bills for the bad with money man, women who let the no job man live in her house she is paying for while he does nothing to contribute to the household in ANYWAY whatsoever, women who say cheaters are men just being men because all men cheat.  NEWSFLASH:  ALL MEN DO NOT CHEAT!!!


Project Managers – Some women are project managers.  They think they can fix or change a man who inevitably becomes a project for them.  Project managers think that having a man, no matter how sorry he may be, is better than NOT having a man.  They think that loving that project and working on it will make it all better.  Not so.

Here’s my beef with all the women who take crap from men over and over again.  When your relationship with SOS (Stuck On Stupid) is over, he comes to a woman like me expecting me to put up with what you put up with.  I AM NOT THAT WOMAN!  I confess, once upon a time I was that woman.  I had to go to counseling and read books and WORK ON ME!  Hence, I’m not that woman. 

• I’ve learned to be content with just me. 
• I’ve learned to live without having my focus be on a man either as my problem or as a solution to my problems. 
• I’ve learned to love me more than I love him. 
• I’ve learned to walk in my destiny and live life on my terms. 
• I’ve learned that I am my own project and I have so much in life to be thankful for than to be taking on special projects. 
• I’ve learned so much.

My hope, desire, prayer is that all Women Who Love Too Much get a clue and stop putting up with mess so these men will stop trying to take that mess to  good women who don’t deserve the mess.

After reading this post, I just realized that I’m inadvertently promoting the Robin Norwood book Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change .  Go read it and read it again and tell me what you think.

Are you or someone you know guilty of anything I've described above?
Do you know anybody who has RECOVERED from this syndrome?
Please share.  I'm so curious.

Friends and Vampires

“Please don’t contact me ever again.  You add no value to my life and you drain my energy like a vampire.”

That was a text message I had to send to someone on Tuesday, June 7, 2011.  I had to do it to protect myself from the poison this person was offering me in the guise of “friendship”.  I really don’t know what their definition of friendship is, but it is very different from my definition.

This person would call me at odd hours to cry, complain, and over-analyze most details about their miserable life.  At first I thought I was helping by offering possible solutions on how to cope with stress and love oneself.  However, I quickly realized none of that was working.  I soon found that I was dealing with a miserable person who was totally content in his misery.

I'm NOT sorry, but I DON'T DO MISERY!  Look at the title of my blog.  C'mon people!

The very next day, Wednesday, June 8, 2011, a real friend called me.  Mind you I had not spoken with this real friend in many months.  However, I consider her a real friend because our definition of friendship is the same.  She is not a vampire and she is very supportive.  We may have lost contact for a few months for whatever reasons but we always get back together where we left off.  She is so sweet and I would never do anything to harm her or use her.

I am so grateful for the real friends in my life.  I am also grateful for the wisdom to know the difference and to take the necessary steps to protect my little world from what I call Vampires.

Where do some minions posing as people get off with that “friendship” thing anyway?  I mean this non friend only calls me about his problems and has nothing of value to offer me or my life.  When my sister passed, his attitude was so nonchalant about it.  As a matter of fact, he said he would call me right back when I told him.  He waited over a month before he called me back and offered the most pathetic condolence ever.  And to think, my sister used to tell me to be nice to him.

I am so grateful that I sent that text message.  Life is too short to be trying to please people who care NOTHING about you.  Life is too precious to give time and energy to people who give nothing in return.  My life is too special to me to waste on the waste of this land.

• I associate and befriend people with similar life values as mine
• All of my friends have positive attitudes and they are very loving people
• My friends are healthy and constantly strive to improve themselves
• My friends and associates have much to offer their environments and communities and do so gladly without wanting payment in return
• My friends love themselves and they have a healthy respect for themselves those they encounter
• When people come in contact with my friends, they feel better about themselves
• My friends love life and carry much JOY inside of themselves.
• My friends recognize Vampires and do not associate with such creatures.

Wikipedia has a great article on friendship that I highly recommend.

I just wanted to get that off of my chest.  I feel much better.  Thanks.

Thoughts of a Black Man

My cousin forwarded this email to my bff and me a few years ago.  I was cleaning out my inbox when I ran across this.  I just had to share it.

You know after seeing you today I just had to send this to you and my cousin. Be careful out there and know that I love ya!

Tim

----- Original Message -----

This statement is from a man on Black Voices.

 

 

Bottom line—if I sleep with a woman I don't know or care about SEX is NOT going to make me care.  (I stopped that years ago) That kind of sex is like scratching an itch.  Once a man scratches, he's through.  He ain't sitting around thinking about that spot that itched or how good it felt scratching it.  He's moving on with his life until that spot itches again and it don't matter which hand he scratches it with, just as long as he gets rid of the itch.

 

Too many women PRETEND they can handle a sexual fling, but wind up getting caught up and wanting us to romance and wine and dine them and pretend we're having a "relationship" when it's NOTHING but a booty call.  Come on, ladies, y'all know I'm telling the truth.

 

Unfortunately, ladies you are part of our problem.  You sleep with us BEFORE you know us or what we're about.  Having sex with a man does not automatically make that a "relationship".  Many women will deny they think like this but I'm speaking from personal experience.  Also, ladies know when their men are fooling around and still turn a blind eye by getting mad at the other woman.  Now, what kind of sense does that make?  Why should that woman make YOU (a total stranger) a priority in her life?  IF HE DID NOT MARRY YOU HE IS STILL SINGLE.  The "other woman" is not breaking up a "happy home".

 

Many women marry men who were cheating BEFORE they walked down the aisle and then are SHOCKED that a fancy wedding dress or an expensive walk down the aisle didn't change who he was.  Why should he change?  YOU let him know it was acceptable by sticking around that long.

 

Ladies, start living with your eyes OPEN.  Most shady men give themselves away one way or another, usually before the first 30 days.  Women have to stop "rewarding" unfaithful men by pretending it ain't happening.  All of us Black Men (BM) do not cheat.  I do not cheat on my lady so don't buy the hype.  I know other black men who do not but many men WILL cheat if there are NO real penalties for it.

 

Stop jumping into bed with brothers YOU DON'T KNOW.  That means fewer opportunities for men to cheat.  Women have to STOP being so afraid to ask the important questions that would reveal his TRUE lifestyle.  Worry less about what kind of job he has and what kind of car he drives and encourage him to talk about his past, particularly his past with women.  OPEN those ears and listen.  Does he put down his ex-women and blame them for everything?  And don't be so vain.  You are NOT a better woman than his last.  If he dogged her out, you will probably be NEXT.

 

Observe him when you are with him.  Do you have his home number?  Work number?  Have you seen where he lives?  Where he works?  Is he secretive?  Did you ask if he's married or engaged?  How does he treat other people?

 

Listen to what he says, NOT what you want to hear.  Stop INTERPRETING the meaning of what he says to fit your purposes.  If he says, "I'm not looking' for nothing right now" – DON'T tell yourself, "Aw, he just scared of getting hurt.  I can change his mind."  NO YOU CAN'T.  He said exactly what the hell he meant.  BM don't have to lie when so many BW are already DEAF.

 

If you can't answer BASIC questions about a man DON'T OPEN YOUR LEGS.  I could kinda understand back in the days when sex wouldn't KILL people but now?  There's no excuse and if a BW takes that huge risk of sleeping with a STRANGER then she better protect herself—sexually AND emotionally.

 

Show our @ss to the door if we pressure you for sex too soon.  Don't be afraid to be alone.  After you give our @ss some you will probably be alone anyway but now you feel like a fool.  In other words, take you time and check us out.  If we REALLY like you, we'll stick around.  BUT if you decided to sleep with a man you hardly know, PROTECT yourself and keep your expectations to ZERO.  We do not owe you a relationship or another date just because you had sex with us.  That's not how it works, baby.

 

I have TOO many female friends who give me horror stories that could have been avoided if they'd done their homework first OR moved SLOWER before giving up the panties.  I try as a BM to give them the best advice I can but that won't mean a doggone thing if BW continue to live in a dream world.

 

You are TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for you own sexual behavior the same as I am.  Blaming the man won't change a damn thing.  BW have to look in the mirror and take SOME of the blame for what's wrong with BM/BW relationships.  Let me end by saying….

 

SEX DOES NOT = A RELATIONSHIP

 

GIVING A MAN READY-MADE FAMILY WILL NOT MAKE HIM COMMIT IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO

 

A MAN WILL NOT RESPECT A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT RESPECT HERSELF OR HER BODY

 

IF YOU TRADE SEX FOR MATERIAL THINGS YOU ARE PROSTITUTING YOURSELF

 

IF HE DOESN'T TAKE CARE OF HIS OTHER CHILDREN WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A BABY WITH HIM?

 

IF YOU REWARD A DOG WHY SHOULD MEN STOP BEING DOGS?

 

BRING MORE TO THE TABLE THAN YOUR BODY.  NO YOUR STUFF IS NOT MADE OF GOLD.  IT IS ONLY AS GOOD AS I THINK IT IS.  BELIEVE THAT.

I have to quit you because I HATE YOU

Dear Aunt Flow,

I hate you.  Really I do.  You make me sick.  You LITERALLY make me sick.  You give me lower back pains, cramps, headaches and unbearable fatigue.  I HATE YOU.  This month you gave me more bodily pain than I have ever felt in my entire life.  You wiped me out.  The fatigue you brought was a huge interference to my life.  You made me miss two days of work.  The drugs in my cabinet were not strong enough to tame you.  You really do make me ill.

You were heavier than ever those first two days too.  I HATE YOU!  I’m tired of you interfering in my life.  I’m tired of you taking the MOMMY that my children love and turning her into some evil creature from the bowels of hell.    Aunt Flow, we are not compatible.  I am by nature cheery, fun, lively, bubbly, sweet, entertaining, nurturing, all things good about WOMEN.  You are the total opposite of who I am.  You are fickle.  You are mean.  I never know what I’m gonna get when you come around.  When you come around I become someone I do not like.  You make me grumpy and crabby.  We do not belong together.

Why are you so horrible to me sometimes?  You are not consistent in your treatment of me either.  Sometimes you are ok, but when you decide to be bad you are the absolute worst.   Are you upset with me because I made the decision not to have more children?  Is that why you tried to murder me this month?

Aunt Flow, this relationship is so unhealthy.   You know that I do not do unhealthy relationships.  Which is why I am writing this letter to break up with you.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m taking a contract out on your sorry ass.  This is personal because sometimes I have to put my life on hold because of you.  I’ve done my research about non-invasive ways to get rid of you.  Now I’m interviewing Aunt Flow hit men to be rid of you.  In the meantime I wish you would go kick lava rocks in the hottest pits of Hell.  You deserve it after what you pulled this month.

Our entire relationship has not been all bad, but lately you’ve gotten worse.  I mean the first maybe 20 years of our relationship you were ok.  You didn’t wreak so much havoc.  But this month you went too far.  Maybe it’s because some of us get worse with age.  I think that’s the case with you.  I’m getting better and it is so unfortunate that you cannot get better with me.  I’ll be so glad when you are out of my life.

Aunt Flow, it’s been real but now I gotta say PEACE and Namaste.

Thanks and Have A Great Day,

Keala M. Jacobs

That Thing We Can’t Talk About

That thing we can’t talk about

That thing we can’t talk about

I know it’s been rough.

We’ve had our share of stuff.

But it could have been better

Except for that thing we can’t talk about

I see you cry at times

I see you laugh too

But we can’t share those moments

Because of that thing we can’t talk about

You give me more credit than we both know I deserve

I have your back and let things slide with you too

But we really can’t be honest about it

Because of that thing we can’t talk about

We used to be such good friends

I trusted you completely, you relied on me heavily

But we can’t go there anymore

Because of that thing we can’t talk about

I’ll love you forever

But I’ll never tell you or show you

It’ll be my little secret

Because of that thing we can’t talk about

I know you look out for me

And I look out for you too

We just have to keep it hushed

Because of that thing we can’t talk about

We go on with our lives as if nothing ever happened

Of course it’s nothing

What am I talking about?

Oops, it’s that thing we can’t talk about

Thanks for being my friend

Even though it looks like we’re not

I won’t tell

Because of that thing we can’t talk about

©Keala M. Brown

So you like my package?

So you like my package?

Oooo Baby…. I like that now…..

Mmmmm….ummmm….mmm

Now THAT I like….. Guuuuuuuurl………

You packing some nice stuff….

So….you like what you see?

Oh? You like me?!?

Brotha, you don’t even KNOW me.

You may like this packaging, but you don’t know what’s inside.

Once you figure out how to open it, you may just want to walk away before you even see the goods inside.

You see, this package you like is very special and delicate.

You can’t just tear it open like some birthday boy on his birthday.

Opening this package requires patience, knowledge, cleverness, tenderness, wisdom, love, the Holy Spirit, and …… A….. MAP!

If you are fortunate enough to open it, can you handle what’s inside?

Will you even know what to do with what’s inside?

Will you recognize that which is in the package? ß Probably NOT!

See, lots of men see this package and say they like it. But they don’t even try to figure it out properly in order to get a chance to open it.

They try to go straight for the so called goods, not realizing that there’s more to the package than the pretty wrapping. 
Maybe they just don’t care that there’s more to the package than the pretty wrapping. 
Either way, they end up disrespecting the ENTIRE Total Package and miss out on a wonderful gift. 


You see, I am a Total Package Woman. 
You can’t just go tearing at the wrapping for the goods because there is way more to me than you see. 
You cannot fathom what this package really is. 


So, the next time your lustful eye covets the outside packaging, think again. You say you like it. But the reality is you don’t even know this package or what it contains. 


I could be a real b*tch or I could be a real w*tch 
You really don’t know because all you see is the wrapping I could be your worst nightmare or I could be your dream come true 
How would you know if all you’re concerned with is the wrapping? 


I could be your best friend or I could be your worst enemy 
Unless you approach the package with care, you’ll NEVA know. 
 You see, I am the Total Package Woman. 


Proceed with caution…..

Today Was A Good Day

This song describes how I feel about today. Yes, Today Was A Good Day!

I am thankful for the following:

• Home
• Sanity
• Car
• Family
• Love
• My Dogs
• My Friends
• The dinner I personally made that almost killed me. Spaghetti, homemade meat sauce, Texas toast with Mozzarella cheese, white wine and ............. a Cinnabun from Cinnabun on Fort Jackson.  Yeah, I may die in my sleep tonight after all of that good stuff.
• Nice quiet time with myself and a good book. What am I reading? Busting Loose From the Business Game by Robert Scheinfeld and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
• A post about loving women that was shared by my boy Ken. You can read it here. I highly recommend it!

Today was a good day.
Namaste

Who Da Hail is Tim?

I was married for 15 and a half years. During my separation I met a man I don’t normally go for. At first I thought he was ok. Not my type but since I had been out of the dating scene for so long, I figured I would give him a chance. I thought that I shouldn’t be picky. I should keep my options open.

I put it like that because this man was unambitious so to speak. I was not used to that. I was married to a very ambitious man. In high school I dated guys who were in Who’s Who. I knew that I wanted someone with values and goals similar to mine.

Well, when I met FB, I wasn’t so sure about his values and goals. I knew he liked going to church once a week. He played the drums at his church. He got paid for it. He was in a band. They never had any gigs, but he was in a band. Wait, I take that back, they did have gigs. FB was so . . . churchy? No, big on having people think he was a man of God. His band did get gigs in local clubs. FB said he refused to play in clubs where alcohol was sold or something like that.

Another thing about FB, he washed his dry clean only clothes in the washing machine: sports jackets, slacks, dress shirts, ties, everything. His shirts were so worn that the fold on the collars were tearing. I remember standing in his walk in closet on the phone with my girlfriend telling her how I was going to nominate him for What Not To Wear. He really needed it.

So, guess what I did? I went shopping for FB. I bought him new shirts, ties, and slacks. No sport jackets. I just took his tattered sport jackets and threw them away. They needed it. I upgraded that so-n-so.

After dating FB for about 2 and half months, I noticed that he really had no drive and no ambition what so ever. I initially thought he was in his situation because of his break up that was similar to my separation. Nope. He was happy and content with his situation. I was not. I knew I had to make a change.

The only thing that made me stay with FB for 3 months was the good Richard. His Richard was like crack. But I could do without that kind of Richard.

I eventually made the mistake of loaning him money $500. He only gave me a little over $250 back. Whenever I asked for my money, he would get mad at me and give me attitude like I owed him money or something.

Lesson Learned: Never loan a man money. Never date someone who has no aspirations or whose aspirations, dreams and goals are lower on the totem pole than your own.

See more progress on: Chronicle my crazy/interesting dating escapades since 2004

two ways to look at everything!

This is another email/joke from my mother.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My word!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

My Romantic Space Profile

” It takes a loose rein to keep a marriage tight. ”
John Stevenson

” Constant togetherness is fine—but only for Siamese twins. ”
Victoria Billings

” It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them. ”
Anthony Storr

It was Richard Bach who said it best: “If you love someone, set them free.”

Although there are no solid rules that determine what makes a relationship work, many people will agree that communication, trust, and the willingness to give each other space are fundamentals. A lack of trust can not only keep two people from getting close, but will also create an atmosphere rife with tension, doubt and suspicion. Communication has long been touted as the cornerstone of all successful relationship; partners who talk together, stay together.

Similarly, the ability to give a partner space is important for nurturing growth, both in terms of your relationship with him/her and with yourself. As social animals, we all need to have some sort of connection with others of our kind. However, while putting too much space between you and a partner can leave him/her feeling unloved and alienated, too little can be really suffocating. Unfortunately, either extreme, albeit based on good intentions, can destroy a relationship.

The trick is to strike a balance – to spend some quality time with your partner enjoying mutual interests, and some with yourself and your own hobbies. There is no perfect ratio that applies to all relationships. Some people like constant attention, while others need a lot of personal space. The important thing is to talk about individual preferences early on. By establishing boundaries in the initial stages of a relationship, you can better accommodate each other’s needs and desires and, most importantly, prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt in the long-run.

Romantic space idex 41

According to your score, you seem to have struck a perfectly healthy balance between giving your partner space to live his/her own life and providing him/her with love and support. Different relationships have different standards when it comes to space, so of course you should pay attention to what you and your partner are most comfortable with. Overall, however, you appear to have a knack for healthy moderation. If both you and your significant other are content with this arrangement, then by all means, keep it up!

I KNEW I was good…

See more progress on: love and be loved

Helpful Quotes

” It takes a loose rein to keep a marriage tight. ”
John Stevenson

” Constant togetherness is fine—but only for Siamese twins. ”
Victoria Billings

” It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them. ”
Anthony Storr

I stole the photo from one of my 43 Things aquaintances. Sorry dude, but I loved it so much.

See more progress on: love and be loved

Life Partners

Life Partners

The day I got married I told myself that if it didn't work out I could get a divorce. Little did I know that the moment new life entered me I would change my mind. Once my son was born, I wanted to be life partners with his father. Obviously that plan did not succeed.

A life partner can be described as a romantic partner for life. My own personal definition of a life partner is similar yet somewhat different. A life partner is more than just a romantic partner for life. My life partner is the person who is my friend for life, my confidant for life, my caretaker for life, my caregiver for life, my partner in crime for life, my most special friend for life. My life partner is the man who wants to spend the rest of his life living with me, sharing with me, caring with me, being with me, tolerating all of me in all of my glory and my many moods de jeur and vice versa. I reciprocate all of the above to my life partner and then some.

While I will agree that a life partner is also a romantic partner for life, I submit that a life partner accepts that there may or may not be other temporary and sporadic romantic interests throughout life, but none that are permanent but him.

My life partner loves me unconditionally and accepts all of my glory and flaws. I do the same for him.

My life partner knows that I have interests outside of our special relationship and accepts them as they are. I do the same for him.

My life partner knows that I will always come home to him. I know he will always come home to me. He has provided a safe place called home just for me. My life partner understands how important home is to me.

My life partner knows that I want no one else but him. My life partner wants no one but me. I am all the woman he needs, desires, and wants. He is more than enough man for me. My life partner is not jealous of other relationships I have cultivated outside of our life partnership. I am secure with my life partner's other relationships because he is my chosen partner for life. He is committed to me and I am commited to him.

I have been told that because I married so young I did not have the opportunity to live life fully and have all of the fun young people are supposed to have. That may be true. However since my divorce I have had my share of "dates" and experiences with the opposite sex. I have experienced enough to know what I want and what I do not want. I have decided that I do want a life partnership versus that other intermittent stuff I have experienced over the years. I have had my share of so called fun. I can have fun with my life partner. He's cool with me and he trusts me.

Like You Didn't Already Know

He's a Keeper!

Your guy is a rare find: sweet, kind, and loyal. And as long as he doesn't have three nippples, You should seriously consider keeping him a long time Sometimes a girl can't see a good thing when she's got one So let me tell you: your guy is a gold medal boyfriend Just make sure you treat him right in return!

Is He a Keeper?

How I Feel

PunaniPoet posted this video tonight. This is how I feel about my man.

---

Today is Saturday, November 10, 2007

and I am thankful for:

• the care and love of a wonderful man. I know I've said this before, but every moment I spend with him I see it. We went to celebrate the birthday of a dear friend last night. He was tired, but he came out anyway. AND we had a great time.
• My lovely sister friend Christina. She just turned 40 and we celebrated her birthday last night. I always enjoy her.
• The fact that I could take a long nap in the middle of the day today and have NOBODY bother me. It was beautiful.
• it's 7:30 on a Saturday night and William and Allan are KNOCKED OUT. They played hard today. After playtime I put those little buggers to WORK. Housework and chores never killed anybody. They did great. I am proud of their mental and emotional growth.
• PEACE. Internal Peace and the much coveted external Peace. Today was very peaceful for us. I love it.
• Today. I am thankful for today. This day was a beautiful gift.

Have a great weekend.

Today is Sunday, November 4, 2007

and I am thankful for:

• a change in time. I woke up an hour earlier this morning. Yay!
• that I had a good relationship with my grandmother. Today would have been her 84th birthday. I miss her, but losing her brought me closer to my mom. We were always close, but that incident brought us closer.
• the Spirit I have within me. God made me a spirit being and I love it.
• I am no longer in that debilitating depression that had me couch bound during my separation.
• healing. Emotional, mental, and physical healing.
• personal growth and development. Sometimes growing pains hurt, but the end result is always a better you, an improved you.
• Alone time. I love it.

Four Boyfriends

Once upon a time there was this girl who had four boyfriends.

She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms.
However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.

She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her.
Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.

The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him.!

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'

Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.

His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.

The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'No!', replied the 3rd boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!'

Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me.

When I die, will you follow me and keep me compa! ny?'

'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'

His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.

Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.'

The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'

In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:

Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.

Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others.

Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can ! stay by you is up to the grave.

And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only
part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day: Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections .

7th Transfer from 360

Call & Respond

Mon 8/8/2005 11:27 AM
I’ve been very busy today, but you’re on my mind and in my heart.
KJ
Monday, August 08, 2005 11:36 AM
I thought you should know that you are my heart....
RG
Mon, 8 Aug 2005 14:28:19 -0400
Am I your heart or am I in your heart?
KJ
Monday, August 08, 2005 3:48 PM
You are...
RG
Mon, 8 Aug 2005 16:13:57 -0400
I am what? The question was am I "in your heart", or am I your heart?
KJ
Mon 8/8/2005 4:20 PM
you are my heart because you came from me, you are in my heart because as I slept you were being made for me from me, therefore you are both my heart and in my heart for you have return to the source in which the creator have made you from.
RG
Mon, 8 Aug 2005 16:28:54 -0400
Wow. There you go blowing my mind again. It feels good to return to where I belong (to you). I'm happy to be back with you.
KJ
Mon 8/8/2005 4:32 PM
Welcome home
RG

Wed 8/24/2005 4:51 PM
What happens to your heart when you allow yourself to become vulnerable to another person?
Do you sit back and keep a constant watchful eye on the situation and the other person?
Do you purposefully allow your heart to be vulnerable to another person, or does it just happen?
Who is in control of the “open heart” to “open heart” relationship?
What is the result of one heart shutting down on another heart?
When one heart shuts down on the other heart is the connection automatically broken?
If that connection is broken, how does the other heart feel?
Does it feel pain, loneliness, despair, emptiness, anguish, rejection?
When you allow yourself to become vulnerable to another person, you also face the possibility of having your heart warmed by that other person.
Is that where the term “warmhearted” comes from?
warmhearted adj : marked by warmth of feeling like kindness and sympathy and generosity; "gave a warmhearted welcome to the stranger"
v. warmed, warm·ing, warms
v. tr. To raise slightly in temperature; make warm: warmed the rolls a bit more; warm up the house.
To make zealous or ardent; enliven.
To fill with pleasant emotions: We were warmed by the sight of home.
If I allow my heart to be warmed by you, I’m actually allowing you to make my heart zealous, ardent, and enlivened.
You have the opportunity to fill my heart with pleasant emotions.
My heart then becomes passionate, dedicated and devoted to you.
Do I want to allow this? Or is it too late for such questions?
Can I stop a process already ordained by the Most High God?
You’ve already warmed my heart. Now what are you going to do?
Caress it?
Protect it?
Cover it?
Shield it?
Make it yours?
What are you going to do now?
Michelle Brown

Tags: relationships, dating, reallife Edit Tags

Friday December 30, 2005 - 11:18am (EST)

6th Transfer from 360

How to tell if he's changing or not changing

HOW TO TELL HE’S CHANGING

*He acknowledges and accepts responsibility for what he’s done, fully acknowledges that he used abuse to control you and that it was wrong, and he isn’t blaming you, other people, his stress, his job, or any other outside circumstances for his choices. He is no longer denying it, making light of it, or making excuses for it. He acknowledges that he chose to behave this way instead of saying that other people made him do it, or that he can’t control himself. He fully understands and acknowledges that what he did was wrong. He admits lies, he admits what he’s done and is not longer making up stories to make himself look better. He is no longer trying to hide his behavior from others. He understands that recovery from abusiveness takes a long time and he’ll have to work at it for a long, long time.

*He understands what his behavior has cost you. He understands fully that you and your children have been hurt by what he’s done, and the ways in which you’ve been hurt. He will talk about it with you in depth about how you feel, your fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, your lack of trust for him and understands fully that it is his behavior that has caused it. When you express anger at him, he listens instead of getting angry and trying to shout you down, threatening you or trying to convince you that something’s wrong with you for feeling that way. He is sorry for what he’s done, and is working hard to overcome the damage he’s done and is actively making up for it by giving you back what is rightfully yours - money, rights, freedoms, choices, etc.. He understands that it will take his victims a long time to recover from what he’s done to them.

*He is proving to you that he understands that you’re a human being with rights and is no longer trying to take them away from you. No more double standards. He understands that you’re an equal human being, and he’s not superior to you. He’s pulling his weight. He’s respecting your opinions, even the ones with disagree with his. He’s accepting your right to be angry with him for what he’s done, and you can talk about his abuse with him.

*He’s respecting your right to independence and your right to freedom. He stops interfering in your friendships and family relationships and you are able to re-establish and repair these, and make new friends. He stops monitoring your movements, demanding to know where you are and who’s there. He stops expecting sex on demand. He is taking into account how you’re affected by his behavior and choices. He’s stopped drinking. He’s stopped doing those things that are inappropriate for a committed relationship. Affairs, keeping all the control over the money, etc..

*He’s fair with money, allowing you to have your assets in your name, a job if you want, etc.. He takes responsibility for what he does and how it affects you and the children. He’s no longer treating you like a servant. He acknowledges the contributions you made to the relationship.

*He is no longer blocking communication, he listens and respects what you have to say. He will discuss with you the controlling behaviors and attitudes he’s had. He listens to you, even when you’re angry instead of trying to bully you or threaten you into shutting up. You are able to express yourself, speak freely and feel safe doing so. You’re able to express your anger, feelings. He accepts your right to be angry and he listens when you express it and thinks about your points, he makes an effort to understand. He listens to you without interrupting and allows your thoughts even if he doesn’t agree. When you discuss his behaviors that hurt you and the children, he takes them seriously and stops them. You can speak and act freely without him retaliating. He’s communicating without manipulation, his usual tactics to block you. If he tries to control you, you can point it out to him and he’ll stop. Accepts feedback, criticism.

*He stops cutting you down and starts focusing on what’s good, your strength and your abilities. He is not putting you down, trying to convince you your perception is off, that you’re crazy, that you’re stupid, etc..

*He stops his abuse. Completely, once and for all. He’s respectful and doesn’t guilt you into things or throw fits. He does not pressure you into things or out of things. He’s not intimidating you, he’s not threatening you. He’s stopped undermining you, and supports you instead. He is making a big effort to be non abusive.

HOW TO TELL HE’S NOT CHANGING
*He says “I can’t change unless you do.” Which means that he’s trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for him not abusing you. Also stated as “I’ve changed, but you aren’t changing”; “I’m not the only one who needs help”.

*He tries to get sympathy from you, family members, and friends. He is still lying to you, the children, your family or other people about what he’s done. He continues to attempt to cover up what he’s done to you and the children. He won’t acknowledge that it was wrong. He doesn’t seem sorry that he did it, he only seems sorry that he has suffered some consequences for it.

*He refuses to let the subject of his abuse come up or gets angry when it does. He won’t discuss his controlling behaviors and attitudes. He still tries to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it. Defends his behaviors. He insists you just get past it.

*He plays victim. He says “How could you do this to me.?” He still whines and blames you for all the problems.

*He is overly charming, always trying to remind you of all the good times you had together and ignore the bad. He tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers. All while trying to convince you that you need to stay together to work it out.

*He will not get help or He says he’ll get counseling or other help, but never does. Or he does and tries to convince you that he’s cured and you need to take him back now. “Now that I’m in this program, you have to be more understanding.” Or “I’m learning a lot from this program”. If a man is pressuring you this way, then as soon as he gets back in, he will most likely drop the program. This is why it’s so critical, if you’re considering taking him back, to watch his behaviors, to talk in depth, and to give it time. Sometimes, instead of counseling they will suddenly claim to have found God; he goes to church a few times.

*He cries and begs, they particularly like to do this in a public situation so that you are embarrassed and appear to be "cold hearted”.

*He does things to try to sabotage your efforts to make it on your own.

*He harasses or stalks you. If you ask him for space or time, he refuses to allow you to have any and continues to make contact in any way he can. Harassment by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing up at work, hanging around family.

*He continues to restrict your rights. He still behaves as if he’s superior. You aren’t able to express yourself and speak freely. He still demands constant attention, won’t allow you to take care of your own needs. He still picks at you and criticizes you, and ignores your strengths and contributions to the relationship. He doesn’t support your independence, still refuses to acknowledge that you have rights. He hangs on to double standards. He is still denying you your fair share of the marital assets, money. He puts his wants and needs above yours.

*He doesn’t recognize the damage he’s done. He gets angry with you over the consequences you’ve suffered over his abuse. He’s mad or seems confused as to why you fear him, don’t trust him, are hurt, and angry. He tries to get out of the consequences by trying to convince you that something’s wrong with you for allowing him to have any consequences. He behaves as if he’s above reproach. He claims that he would never hurt you, despite that he’s done many things to hurt you. He’s mad that you left, instead of recognizing your right to have done so. He still acts like you owe him. He’s impatient or critical with you for not forgiving him immediately, for not being satisfied with the changes he may have already made, especially if he hasn’t made the changes you requested, or hasn’t changed but claims he has.

*He’s only concerned with how hard the situation is for him, and no one else. He feels sorry for himself. He doesn’t show appropriate concern for how you and the children feel about what he’s done. Abuse does more than just hurt, it is damaging, and if he doesn't show appropriate concern for the damage he's done, then he hasn't changed.

*He still does things that are inappropriate for an intimate relationship. Cheating, not including you in family decisions, hoarding all the marital assets – money, property, cars, stocks, bonds, etc. and won’t allow you to have access to them.

*He says he can only change if you help him, he wants emotional support and forgiveness, and give up your break from him.

*He says I’m changing but you can see that he’s not. He gets angry with you for not realizing how much he’s changed. He gets angry for not trusting that he’s changed for good. Abusive men often say I’m sorry then get mad if you don’t immediately forget what they did, he thinks his sorry resolves the matter and it should be dropped and you should just move forward.

*He pressures you into taking him back because he can’t wait forever.

*He trash talks you to the children.

*He threatens and tries to intimidate you. The next step of behavior is generally one of threats and attempts to intimidate. This will often include threats to attack family and friends, threats to kill you or "put out a contract on you." Threats that he will take the children away or get custody of them himself, or threats to kill himself.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou