I have to quit you because I HATE YOU

Dear Aunt Flow,

I hate you.  Really I do.  You make me sick.  You LITERALLY make me sick.  You give me lower back pains, cramps, headaches and unbearable fatigue.  I HATE YOU.  This month you gave me more bodily pain than I have ever felt in my entire life.  You wiped me out.  The fatigue you brought was a huge interference to my life.  You made me miss two days of work.  The drugs in my cabinet were not strong enough to tame you.  You really do make me ill.

You were heavier than ever those first two days too.  I HATE YOU!  I’m tired of you interfering in my life.  I’m tired of you taking the MOMMY that my children love and turning her into some evil creature from the bowels of hell.    Aunt Flow, we are not compatible.  I am by nature cheery, fun, lively, bubbly, sweet, entertaining, nurturing, all things good about WOMEN.  You are the total opposite of who I am.  You are fickle.  You are mean.  I never know what I’m gonna get when you come around.  When you come around I become someone I do not like.  You make me grumpy and crabby.  We do not belong together.

Why are you so horrible to me sometimes?  You are not consistent in your treatment of me either.  Sometimes you are ok, but when you decide to be bad you are the absolute worst.   Are you upset with me because I made the decision not to have more children?  Is that why you tried to murder me this month?

Aunt Flow, this relationship is so unhealthy.   You know that I do not do unhealthy relationships.  Which is why I am writing this letter to break up with you.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m taking a contract out on your sorry ass.  This is personal because sometimes I have to put my life on hold because of you.  I’ve done my research about non-invasive ways to get rid of you.  Now I’m interviewing Aunt Flow hit men to be rid of you.  In the meantime I wish you would go kick lava rocks in the hottest pits of Hell.  You deserve it after what you pulled this month.

Our entire relationship has not been all bad, but lately you’ve gotten worse.  I mean the first maybe 20 years of our relationship you were ok.  You didn’t wreak so much havoc.  But this month you went too far.  Maybe it’s because some of us get worse with age.  I think that’s the case with you.  I’m getting better and it is so unfortunate that you cannot get better with me.  I’ll be so glad when you are out of my life.

Aunt Flow, it’s been real but now I gotta say PEACE and Namaste.

Thanks and Have A Great Day,

Keala M. Jacobs

Who Da Hail is Tim?

I was married for 15 and a half years. During my separation I met a man I don’t normally go for. At first I thought he was ok. Not my type but since I had been out of the dating scene for so long, I figured I would give him a chance. I thought that I shouldn’t be picky. I should keep my options open.

I put it like that because this man was unambitious so to speak. I was not used to that. I was married to a very ambitious man. In high school I dated guys who were in Who’s Who. I knew that I wanted someone with values and goals similar to mine.

Well, when I met FB, I wasn’t so sure about his values and goals. I knew he liked going to church once a week. He played the drums at his church. He got paid for it. He was in a band. They never had any gigs, but he was in a band. Wait, I take that back, they did have gigs. FB was so . . . churchy? No, big on having people think he was a man of God. His band did get gigs in local clubs. FB said he refused to play in clubs where alcohol was sold or something like that.

Another thing about FB, he washed his dry clean only clothes in the washing machine: sports jackets, slacks, dress shirts, ties, everything. His shirts were so worn that the fold on the collars were tearing. I remember standing in his walk in closet on the phone with my girlfriend telling her how I was going to nominate him for What Not To Wear. He really needed it.

So, guess what I did? I went shopping for FB. I bought him new shirts, ties, and slacks. No sport jackets. I just took his tattered sport jackets and threw them away. They needed it. I upgraded that so-n-so.

After dating FB for about 2 and half months, I noticed that he really had no drive and no ambition what so ever. I initially thought he was in his situation because of his break up that was similar to my separation. Nope. He was happy and content with his situation. I was not. I knew I had to make a change.

The only thing that made me stay with FB for 3 months was the good Richard. His Richard was like crack. But I could do without that kind of Richard.

I eventually made the mistake of loaning him money $500. He only gave me a little over $250 back. Whenever I asked for my money, he would get mad at me and give me attitude like I owed him money or something.

Lesson Learned: Never loan a man money. Never date someone who has no aspirations or whose aspirations, dreams and goals are lower on the totem pole than your own.

See more progress on: Chronicle my crazy/interesting dating escapades since 2004