Saturday, October 30, 2010

More on Forgiveness


How to Forgive Yourself

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit


Forgiving yourself can be much harder than forgiving someone else. When you're carrying around a sense of blame for something that has happened in the past, this bundle of negativity burrowing deep into yourself can cause a never-ending, pervasive sense of unhappiness. Forgiving yourself is an important act of moving forward and releasing yourself from the past. It's also a way of protecting your health and general well-being. Here are some suggestions on how to forgive yourself.

Steps

  1. Understand the importance of forgiveness. Living in a state of being unable to forgive requires a lot of energy. You are constantly chewed up by fear of your vulnerability, burning with anger with the source of pain, and living with the constancy of sadness, hurt, and blame. This energy deserves to be put to better use, so that your creativity and abilities are fed, not your negativity. Forgiveness also allows you to live in the present instead of the past, which means that you can move into the future with a renewed sense of purpose focused on change, improvement, and building on experience rather than being held back by past hurts.
    • Some people are afraid to forgive themselves because they fear losing their sense of self that has been built on the back of anger, resentment, and vulnerability. In this case, ask yourself if that angry, easily hurt and reactive person is the identity you're keen to show the world and live with. Is the security of this mode of thinking worth the effort and harm it is causing you? It's better to have a small time of insecurity as you find your way again than to continue a lifetime bogged down in anger.
    • See forgiveness in a positive light. If you're bothered that forgiving suggests that you shouldn't experience strong feelings such as resentment and anger, try viewing it as the chance to feel strong positive feelings, such as joy, generosity, and faith in yourself. Switching it to thinking about what you'll gain rather than what you'll lose has the benefit of keeping you positive while minimizing the negative emotions.
  2. Take into account the challenges raised by not forgiving yourself. Not only do you allow yourself to remain stuck in the past, but not forgiving yourself takes a huge toll on your emotional and physical health. Inability to forgive is sourced from anger and resentment, two emotions that can wreak havoc with your health. Numerous studies have shown that people stuck in constant anger are more prone to disease and illness than people who can learn to forgive both themselves and others.[1]
    • Always remember that forgiving doesn't equate with forgetting. You're entitled to learn by experience and be guided by that experience. It's about leaving aside the resentment and self-inflicted berating that comes with remembering.
  3. Accept your emotions. Part of the struggle is often being unable to accept that you are experiencing such emotions as anger, fear, resentment, and vulnerability. Instead of trying to avoid facing these negative emotions, accept them as part of what is fueling you lack of self-forgiveness. A problem named is a problem ready to be tackled.
  4. Reflect on why you're trying to hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone else around you. Perfectionism can cause you to hold too a high a standard for your own behavior, a standard that you wouldn't hold anyone else to. And if your perfectionism causes you to be too hard on yourself, you are caught in a situation where self forgiveness is very hard to do because it seems like acceptance of a sub-standard you. Remove yourself from this vicious cycle of thinking by doing what Martha Beck called "welcoming imperfection". Beck claimed that "welcoming imperfection is the way to accomplish what perfectionism promises but never delivers." It allows you to accept that all human being are imperfect, and you are human, and imperfect too.
    • If you are really struggling with perfectionism, consider counseling or therapy work to reduce its impact in your life. Read How to control perfectionism for more tips.
  5. Let go of other people's expectations for you. If you're stuck in a spiral of self-hate and never feeling good enough because of things that were once said to you, self-forgiveness is essential. You have no control over what other people do and say, and many things people are said and done unconsciously, often motivated by the other person's own shortcomings.[2] Living your life in self-loathing because you don't feel you lived up to someone else's expectations is based on making too much of another person's mixed-up feelings. Forgive yourself for trying to live a life according to other's expectations and start making the changes needed to follow your own purpose instead.
    • For every person who has been hard on you, remember that someone was hard on them. Break the chain of harshness by being kind to yourself, not trying to live up to someone else's expectations for you.
    • Whenever someone criticizes you for how you are and what you have done, realize that they have just made it that much harder for themselves to err lest they be caught out not fulfilling their own perfection implicit in their criticism. Seeing it this way can ease things for you because you just know they'll slip up somewhere and that being someone who feels entitled to criticize constantly is a very painful (and lonely) way to live.
  6. Stop punishing yourself. There is a frequent misunderstanding that forgiveness equates to forgetting or condoning. This misunderstanding can lead a person to feel that it is not right to forgive oneself because in the process of doing so, it's akin to an act of forgetting or condoning the past wrong. If this is the factor preventing you from forgiving yourself, keep in mind that forgiveness is a process of mindfulness in which you continue to remember what happened and you do not condone something that was "wrong" as suddenly "right".[3]
    • It's perfectly fine to say: "I hate what I've done (or how I've devalued myself) but I'm moving on for the sake of my health, my well-being, and those around me." Affirming this is healthy and allows you to break the cycle of self-harm you've fallen into because you openly acknowledge what was wrong and the intention to set it right from now on.
  7. Practice self acceptance. You don't need forgiveness for being you. Forgiving yourself is about targeting the specific things that you feel bad about, not about the person you are. As a forgiveness technique, self acceptance allows you to acknowledge that you're a good person, faults and all. It doesn't mean that you ignore the faults or stop trying to improve yourself but it does mean that you value yourself above those elements and cease to allow your faults to halt your progression in life.[4]
    • Love yourself and give yourself permission to heal.
    • Laugh more; it'll give you more freedom to stop taking it all so seriously.
  8. Think about what will improve in your life if you can release yourself and how to bring this into fruition. As part of forgiving yourself, it's usually not enough to simply resolve to forgive yourself. Doing things to confirm the forgiveness process will help you to realize your self-forgiveness and to give you a new sense of purpose. Some of the things you might like to consider doing include:
    • Taking up meditation. Meditation is an ideal way to find inner quiet, spiritual, self-realization, and physical relaxation. It will allow you to take time out, to tune into and appreciate the moment, and to get in touch with your inner self. Done regularly, meditation will improve your well-being and sense of self.
    • Affirm your self-worth. Remind yourself regularly that you are a valued and beautiful person and say simply: "I forgive myself" or "I will no longer let anger eat away at me", whenever the negative thoughts reappear.
    • Keep a diary. Write down your journey to forgiveness. Having the writing space to share your thoughts and feelings with, one that nobody else will ever read, is a liberating and self-enlightening way to breaking through negative approaches to your life.
    • Seek therapy. If you've tried hard to get over anger, resentment, and other fearful, out-of-control emotions but you're still struggling, connect with a therapist who can help guide you through to a better state of being. If therapy's not your thing, at least find a friend or more to talk to, and who will help to affirm your worth.
    • If you have a faith, draw strength from its teachings to support you.
  9. See forgiveness as a journey, not a destination. If you're liable to thinking that you're unable to "get to" self-forgiveness, you may be sabotaging your chances of even starting the forgiveness journey. It helps to accept that forgiveness is an ongoing process and that you'll have your up days and your down days, as with most feelings and experiences in life. You may feel that you've reached a point of forgiveness, only to have something happen that causes you to feel it was all a wasted effort and that you're back to square one, angry and annoyed with yourself. The best approach is to let the slip-ups happen and see them as minor setbacks in an otherwise more forgiving self. In addition, realize that forgiveness has no timetable; instead, you can do your very best to prepare yourself for the process and to get it started:[5]
    • Self-forgive in gradual stages. Start with valuing yourself and making a resolution to stop letting the past continue to haunt the present and direct the person you are now.
    • Learn from what you've done in the past but value your whole self (see step above on practicing self-acceptance).
    • Enjoy positive experiences consciously and don't seek to downgrade them.
    • Be grateful for what you do have – great relationships, a home, a family, an education, abilities, interests, hobbies, pets, health, etc. Look for the good in your life.
    • Be self-compassionate. Shift your thoughts to more fulfilling, value-focused things when negative reproaches arise.
    • Apologize if others have been involved and you have not already done so, or you have not done so genuinely. Only do this when you have changed your negative outlook.

Video

How to forgive and love yourself.

Tips

  • The person we are is the result of both good and bad things happening to us in life, as well as the good and bad things we have done. The manner in which we respond to negative events is as important as the way in which we respond to happy events. A person who is inclined to ruminate and make large of a negative event will be more prone to living in anger and resentment and expect future negativity than a person who sees bad things as isolated incidents that don't impinge on who they are as a whole.[6]
  • Think about how you have forgiven others in the past. Take the lessons from these experiences and apply them to your own situation; the reassuring aspect of this is that you know you have the ability to forgive, you just need to point that forgiveness in the right direction.

Warnings

  • Stay away from people who have a tendency to sabotage efforts at self-improvement. Most of the time these people are focused on salvaging their own insecurities and are threatened by seeing someone else making the effort to overcome negative pressure in their life. Accept that forgiving yourself will sometimes lose certain relationships where your negativity was a source of the other person wielding power over you. Ask yourself if you'd rather continue the unhappy relationship or move on as a whole, and renewed person able to connect with healthier people.
  • Don't force yourself to hang around people who bring back the past for you in a negative way; people who push your buttons, devalue or belittle you, and who are thoughtless about your vulnerabilities are best left behind.
  • Forgiveness is the hardest quality to shape and yet it is the most essential. In learning about your own ability to forgive both yourself and others, your personal growth will be great, and that's a reward worth the hard work forgiveness requires of you.
  • Avoid talking about your wrongdoings and how bad a person you are around other people. You will create this reality in their minds too. Get therapy to get this negative thinking out of your head and back into the Pandora's Box it came from.

Things You'll Need

  • Journal or diary

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

  1. Piero Ferrucci, The Power of Kindness, p.46, (2007), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4
  2. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life & Soul Essentials, p. 121, (2005), ISBN1-74114-521-X
  3. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life & Soul Essentials, p. 121, (2005), ISBN1-74114-521-X
  4. David Niven, The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It, pp. 15-16, (2000), ISBN 0-06-251650-7
  5. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness: Life & Soul Essentials, p. 291, (2005), ISBN1-74114-521-X
  6. David Niven, The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It, p. 16, (2000), ISBN 0-06-251650-7

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Forgive Yourself. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Old School William



Happy Birthday to my middle son William Harrison Jacobs. Today he turns 13 years old. WOW! As soon as one leaves the teen years the next one enters the teen years.
William has been my guilty pleasure for years. He is charming, outgoing, loving, incredibly intelligent and an all out JOY to be around. When people meet William they automatically love him. You just have to meet him to know what I'm talking about.

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Intimate Partner Violence Facts

pr1 What is Intimate Partner Violence?
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is emotional, verbal, physical or sexual violence occurring between partners. IPV takes place regardless of sexual orientation, race, social status, economic status, age group or educational background. IPV is not a heterosexual phenomenon nor is it based on gender. IPV is a choice to exert power and control over one’s partner.
Is IPV Always Physical Abuse?
In IPV abusers use control, rape, power, manipulation, isolation, lies, intimidation, weapons, economic control, harassment, verbal and emotional abuse, racism, and coercive and violent actions against their partners. IPV does not necessarily leave a visible wound or bruise.
Unique Challenges That LGBTQ Individuals Face When
Experiencing IPV
• Homosexuality is a divisive issue for many families that may result in
the rejection of the family members who identify as lesbian, gay, bi- sexual or transgender. Therefore, many LGBTQ individuals find a sense of belonging with their partners that they may not experience with their own families. This sense of belonging can make it difficult to end an abusive relationship.
• Institutional biases, such as heterosexism and homophobia, may decrease access to the services or support available to LGBTQ individuals who are experiencing IPV.
• Abusers may employ homophobic rhetoric in the treatment of their partners, reinforcing shame and fear in their partners.
Statistics About Intimate Partner Violence in LGBTQ Communities
Little research has been done on LGBTQ IPV. One reason is that scholarship on the LGBTQ community is in its infancy, and much of the research that exists
concentrates on sexuality or the experience of coming out. Second, LGBTQ IPV is
under-reported because of victims’ experiences of homophobia, heterosexism and
racism.
The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCAVP), which is made up of 33 members nationwide, is one of the few organizations that gather statistics on IPV in LGBTQ relationships. NCAVP reports the following:*
Nationwide:
• IPV occurs in 1 out of 4 heterosexual relationships, and it is predicted that similar rates exist in LGBTQ relationships.
• About 34% of the reported victims of IPV were between 19 and 49 years old.
• Over 38% of the victims who reported incidences of IPV were people of color.

*All statistics reported in this document are derived from National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Domestic Violence In The United States In 2006. To view the complete report, visit www.ncavp.org.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Put it out with a perdurable

Put it out with a perdurable

bloglovin

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10.10.10 Dear Blog


Dear Blog,
It has been 6 days since my last blog entry.  I have been quite busy reading, learning, being a mommy, etc.  I have so many blog entries in my head that I want share/post.  Here is a list of blog entries currently under construction:
  • ·         Numbers Runner
  • ·         Profile of a Hit Man
  • ·         Holiday Shopping Tips for You
  • ·         Google, YouTube, and You Too
  • ·         Evaluating ME


I am typing this entry in Word because it says I can upload to my blog.  I couldn't upload from Word.  I kept getting the error that it couldn't access my account.  Whatever. 

Yesterday was Allan’s birthday.  He wanted his party at his Dad’s house.  We had a great time.  He got a bike, money, and a football.  We had barbecue ribs, hot wings, hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, cheese puffs and an ice cream cake.  I was very happy Allan enjoyed his 9th birthday.

Dear Blog,
I have so much I want to share but for some reason, I cannot find the words to properly and adequately convey what I desire to share.  Maybe I have too much junk I need to dump before I can really do what I want to do.  I’ll post more later.

Dear Blog,
My brother thinks I use facebook too much.  I've been thinking about going on a 7 day facebook diet.  No facebook for 7 days straight.  At least no going to facebook.  I have several sites that automatically post to facebook.  I won't be going on an all out internet diet, just a facebook diet.  What do you think?

Dear Blog,
I had a dream about bags last night.  Leather bags, suitcases, purses, more leather bags.  It was quite odd.  I dreamed I was packing bags and sending someone on their way.  I distinctly remember a brown leather backpack purse.  I wonder what that dream meant.  I looked up what this could possibly mean and found it at the bottom of this website.  You have to scroll down to the bottom of the page.  I am kind of excited about the possible meaning of this leather bag dream.   

This dream prompted me to go to the Dooney website to look around.  I love Dooney.  Don't you?
~~Namaste~~

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,
Today we went to Ryans for breakfast.  It was horrible.  They had no bananas!  And the Omelet guy only knew how to make omelets.  He couldn't do special egg orders.  His English was horrible.  I really don't think he understood English very well either.  Several patrons made complaints about the food too.  I had a free pass so I had to use it.  They say you get what you pay for, so I got what I paid for.

The service was great.  My server's name was Amir.  Whenever I go out to eat I always make a point of remembering my server's name.  I see serving at restaurants as such a personal thing.  I gave Amir $5.  He deserved it.

My mind is not at it's best this morning.  Maybe because I had such a horrible breakfast.   Could also be because it's been two weeks since I had a good fix.  Who knows.

By the way, did I mention that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month?

This entry is also full of links that I was too lazy to blog in detail about.  Check them out for yourself.

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~~Namaste~~

Friday, October 1, 2010

Section 8 & VAWA - Violence Against Women Act

SC State Housing Finance and Development Authority:�VAWA

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM). Everyone who knows me knows that this particular cause is near and dear to my heart. Every October I usually blog something about Domestic Violence. In the past I was big on quoting statistics and encouraging my readers to support victims. This year I will focus more on providing information that will benefit the victims themselves.

So, last night I was on the SC State Housing website and I ran across the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). I learned that the housing authority cannot discriminate against Domestic Violence (DV) Victims. When I first read it, I thought, "Cool".

However, I had to read deeper to get the full details. The following sums up what I learned about how Section 8 assistance affects domestic violence, dating violence and stalking victims and abusers:

  • The housing authority cannot deny rental assistance because someone is a victim of domestic violence, dating violence, or stalking.
  • A victim CANNOT be terminated or evicted based on acts or threats against them.
  • You can be evicted because of actual and imminent (immediate) threats to other tenants or employees at your property if you remain in the housing.
  • You cannot be evicted because of criminal domestic violent acts committed against you by a member of your home or guest of your home if you are the victim.
  • A landlord is allowed to legally split the lease and evict the abuser who commits violence against family members while allowing the victims and other household members to remain in public assistance housing.
  • Abusers can also have their Section 8 assistance terminated and the victim can continue to receive benefits.
  • If a victim must move for safety reasons, the housing authority will allow them to keep their assistance even if their lease not up yet.
The facts listed above pertain to South Carolina state law only.  I cannot speak for other states at the moment.    However, the following links may help:
Recommended Reading:
~~Namaste~~
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