I Forgot Because I Am FREE

“I don’t remember the bad things like that.” 

I was talking to a childhood friend a while ago and we kind of catching up on what we’ve been doing and how we’ve been over the years.  We’ve seen each other over the years but not really had any deep conversations.  Our mothers have kept in touch and passed on bits and pieces of information, but you know how information passed on from mothers can be.

During one of our conversations this friend reminded me of something really cruel I had done back in middle school.  When he told me what I did I was appalled.  Really, I was shocked and somewhat disgusted.  I didn’t deny doing it but I do not remember doing it.  That incident is totally erased from my conscious memory.  Why?  Because I choose not to dwell on the past, especially the negativity of the past. 

During another different conversation, my friend told me they had some type of mental breakdown.  He was sure I had heard of it.  I told him I had not heard of it.  Looking back over time, my mom may have mentioned it to me but that is another incident I chose to let go of.  I have been practicing not judging myself and not judging others for any reason whatsoever.  Judgments require too much energy and are really pointless anyway.  When you spend too much time judging you lose some of your freedom.  I choose freedom and I love it.

I learned this from the following Related Bible Verses:

Micah 7:19 (Amplified Bible)

¹⁹He will again have compassion on us; He will subdue and tread underfoot our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.

 

Psalm 103:12 (Amplified Bible)

¹²As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

 

Philippians 4:8 (King James Version)

⁸Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

I express appreciation to you for reading my blog from the infinite abundance that is my natural state, knowing that as I do so this expression will just expand and reflect back to me.

~~Namaste~~

Lifetime Drama Part III

Shortly after the threesome incident, we moved to Nebraska. During the entire two years there I was angry with God for allowing my husband to succumb to such sin. I felt that if I was a good wife and did what I was told and suppose to do, then every one around me would behave as well. I was so wrong. Lesson learned: It's not always about me. It's not all about me.

While in Nebraska, he asked me to take a polygraph regarding all the stuff from the past he was constantly hounding me about. The test would also include other questions he had that I knew nothing about. He promised that things would be better if I took the test. He promised to be nicer to me. He promised he'd be a better husband. Well I took the polygraph test and passed it. Things didn’t change. They got worse. After the test he told me he didn't believe in them. He spent $300 for something he claimed he didn't believe in. Lesson Learned: Never compromise who you really are to appease someone else's insecurities.

Shortly after the polygraph, he contacted an old girlfriend to apologize for taking her virginity and then marrying me. He kept the email relationship against my wishes. I begged him to stop emailing her. I warned him of the dangers of this type of relationship. He said this was something he had to do and if he had to choose he’d choose his “friendship” with this other woman over his marriage with me. It was then that I emotionally checked out of the relationship. Lesson Learned: It's not all about me. I have to love me more than I love you.

After I emotionally checked out I made plans to leave. He told me he would never divorce me unless I cheated on him. Well, I knew I could make that happen. I pursued a sexual affair with someone he warned me to stay away from just to get back at him and get my divorce. When I told him about my affair, he said he would never divorce me. That was so wrong. I deeply regret my decision to compromise my values. Lesson Learned: Always be true to you. Never let your fears rule your life.

When we moved back to South Carolina, Tony continued his online relationship with Nikkole. I began to seek more counseling at First Baptist Church to help me. This time it was better than the first time. I only saw the married adult minister a few times until I thought it was enough. Lesson Learned: Seek professional help, not laymen's help.