Team Up With Keala

I'm a survivor: a domestic violence survivor. My friends & family are survivors: domestic violence survivors, breast cancer survivors, cervical cancer survivors, ovarian cancer survivors. We are all survivors!

I have a HUGE heart for women who experience the pain and suffering we experienced. I want them to know that there is an abundant and better life after all of the pain & fear they live with. 



Which is why I recently created an online Team Up for Women fund to support the great work of The Mary Kay Foundation. The Mary Kay Foundation has a two-fold mission: to fund research of cancers affecting women and help prevent domestic violence while raising awareness of the issue.  


Whatever you can give will be appreciated, and everything helps women in need. Thank you for your support.


You can also give a quick $5 donation via your cell phone by texting TEAMUP 5023JJ to 80888.  Before your phone bill is charged, you will receive a confirmation text that you have to respond "YES" to.

Boiled Blood

Sistahs, I’m NOT Happy with some of YOU!

Why?  Because there are some of you who make cheating, no good men feel it’s ok to do what they do.  If I’m blogging, writing, talking to you, then you KNOW I’m talking to you and you should read this entire post to learn something TODAY.   Otherwise, I may be preaching to the choir, and that’s ok because the choir can add input from their perspective in the comments section.

Enablers – Some women are enablers.  They enable a sorry man to continue living a sorry life.   The dictionary defines an enabler as: “one that enables another to achieve an end; especially: one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior”

I especially like that last part.  The making it possible for the sorry so in so to avoid the consequences of BAD behavior by taking him back time and time again.  Some examples are: women who pay bills for the bad with money man, women who let the no job man live in her house she is paying for while he does nothing to contribute to the household in ANYWAY whatsoever, women who say cheaters are men just being men because all men cheat.  NEWSFLASH:  ALL MEN DO NOT CHEAT!!!


Project Managers – Some women are project managers.  They think they can fix or change a man who inevitably becomes a project for them.  Project managers think that having a man, no matter how sorry he may be, is better than NOT having a man.  They think that loving that project and working on it will make it all better.  Not so.

Here’s my beef with all the women who take crap from men over and over again.  When your relationship with SOS (Stuck On Stupid) is over, he comes to a woman like me expecting me to put up with what you put up with.  I AM NOT THAT WOMAN!  I confess, once upon a time I was that woman.  I had to go to counseling and read books and WORK ON ME!  Hence, I’m not that woman. 

• I’ve learned to be content with just me. 
• I’ve learned to live without having my focus be on a man either as my problem or as a solution to my problems. 
• I’ve learned to love me more than I love him. 
• I’ve learned to walk in my destiny and live life on my terms. 
• I’ve learned that I am my own project and I have so much in life to be thankful for than to be taking on special projects. 
• I’ve learned so much.

My hope, desire, prayer is that all Women Who Love Too Much get a clue and stop putting up with mess so these men will stop trying to take that mess to  good women who don’t deserve the mess.

After reading this post, I just realized that I’m inadvertently promoting the Robin Norwood book Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change .  Go read it and read it again and tell me what you think.

Are you or someone you know guilty of anything I've described above?
Do you know anybody who has RECOVERED from this syndrome?
Please share.  I'm so curious.

Repost Thanks to Chris & Rihanna

The recent alleged incident involving Chris Brown and Rihanna prompted me to repost the “Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality.” If you or someone you know is involved in a relationship with a battering personality, please seek help.

Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality.
Many people are interested in ways to predict whether they are becoming involved with someone who might be physically abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in abusive people; the last four behaviors (16-19) are almost always indicators that a person is a batterer. If the person has several of the other behaviors, there is a strong potential for physical violence.The more signs a person has, the more likely they are a batterer. In some cases a batterer may have only a couple of very exaggerated behaviors (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Initially, the batterer will try to explain the behavior as a sign of love and concern, and you may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control. FBI statistics show that 95% of all domestic violence is male violence against women.

1. Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will usually say jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. A jealous person will question you about who you talk to, accuse you of flirting or be jealous of the time you spend with family, friends or children (anyone but them). As jealousy escalates, the person may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. A jealous person may refuse to let you work for fear you will meet someone else or may exhibit strange behaviors such as checking the mileage on your car or asking friends to watch you.
2. Controlling Behaviors: At first, a batterer may explain controlling behavior as concern for your safety, your need to use your time well or your need to make good decisions. An abuser will be angry if you are “late” returning from the store or an appointment and may question you closely about where you went and
   who you talked to. As the controlling behavior escalates, an abuser may try to control your personal decision about your home, clothing, religious choices and money. Some abusers may try to require you to
   ask permission to leave the room or the house.
3. Quick Involvement: Many people in abusive relationships dated or knew their batterer for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. A batterer may come on like a whirlwind, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to.” or “I’ve never felt loved like this before.” A batterer needs
   someone desperately and may pressure you to commit.
4. Unrealistic Expectations: Batterers are very dependent on others for all of their needs. A batterer may expect a partner to be a perfect mate, parent, lover and friend. A batterer may say things like, “If you love me, I’m all you need.” You are supposed to take care of everything for the batterer, emotionally and in the home. Generally, batterers are unable to tolerate frustration.
5. Isolation: A batterer will try to cut you off from all resources. If you have close friends, a batterer may make disparaging, gender specific remarks about them or disparaging remarks about your family ties. A batterer may accuse people who support you of “causing trouble.” A batterer may want to live in the
   country without a phone, not let you use the car, or try to keep you from working or going to school.
6. Blames Others for Personal Problems: If a batterer is chronically unemployed, someone else is always doing the batterer wrong or “out to get them.” A batterer may make mistakes and blame you for causing them. A batterer may blame or fault you for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. Blames Others for Personal Feelings: A batterer may say “You make me mad.” “You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask.” or “I can’t help being this mad.” Each of us may our own decisions about how we think and feel, but a batterer will use feelings to manipulate you. Harder to catch are claims like “You make me happy.”
8. Hypersensitivity: A batterer is easily insulted, claiming “hurt” feelings when really feeling very mad or may take the slightest set-back as a personal attack. A batterer will rant and rave about the injustice of things that have happened—things that are really just a part of living, i.e., being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told that a personal habit is annoying or being asked to help with chores.
9. Cruelty to Children and/or Animals: Batterers may punish (take power over) children and/or animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain or suffering. A batterer may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (spank a two year old for wetting a diaper) or may tease children or young brothers or sisters until they cry. A large percentage of batterers who beat an adult partner also beat their children. A batterer may not want children to eat at the table or expect them to stay in their
   room all evening (stay out of the way).
10. “Playful” Use of Force in Sex: Some batterers like to overpower their partner, holding them down during sex, or act out fantasies during sex while the partner is helpless (i.e., rape is exciting). A batterer may show little concern about whether a partner wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate a partner’s compliance. A batterer may start having sex while a partner is sleeping, or demand sex when a partner is tired or ill.
11. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, verbal abuse can be gender degrading, cursing, running down accomplishments. An abuser may say a partner is stupid and unable to function alone; sometimes waking the partner from sleep to verbally abuse or not allowing sleep.
12. Rigid Sex Roles: Batterers expect to be served; may require a partner’s presence in the home at all times; expect to be obeyed in all things – even things that are criminal in nature. An abuser believes is gender superiority.
13. Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde: Many people are confused by the abuser’s “sudden” mood changes – they will describe that one minute the abuser is nice and the next, exhibits explosive anger. They think the abuser has some “mental problem” or is “crazy.” Explosive anger and mood swings are typical of batterers and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity and violent temper.
14. A History of Abuse: Having been abused physically or sexually as a child or having witnessed abuse of a mother by a father, does not necessarily make a person a batterer. But it does provide a model of unequal power and violence as a means of solving problems. It is the one common piece of history for all batterers…they have seen the battery of their mothers when they were young.
15. Substance Abuse: Heavy drinking or drug use are often correlated with domestic violence. These are not the cause of battering, but abusers sometimes excuse their behavior by saying, “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
16. Past Battering: A batterer may admit battering in the past, but someone else was at fault. You may hear from relatives or ex-spouses that your partner is abusive. A batterer will beat any person they
    become intimate with. The circumstances of any situation do not cause battering.
17. Threats of Violence: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control you. “I’ll slap your mouth,” “I’ll kill you.” or “I’ll break your neck.” In reasonable relationships, partners to not threaten each other. A batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying “Everybody talks this way.”
18. Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior may be used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize you into submission. The batterer may beat on tables or walls; throw objects at or near you. Again, this is a very significant behavior; only immature people beat on object in
    the presence of others in order to threaten them.
19. Any Force Used During an Argument: This may involve holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room and any pushing or shoving. (An abuser may hold you against a wall and say, “You’re going to listen to me.”

See more progress on: Become an advocate for abused women

Why Did I Stay?

"Why Do You Stay?" Traumatic Bonding And The Development Of The Stockholm Syndrome in Battered Women- by Debra Dixon



We hear the question, "Why do you stay?" ask of battered women over and over. Most of society tired long ago of the answer, "Because I love him." When a battered woman says "because I love him" she is describing the Stockholm Syndrome in the best way that she can. She knows that she has very strong feelings for him and can only attribute those feelings to love because of a lack of information. These victims do not have the information they need to accurately describe the dynamics involved in the bonding process that occurs with abuse and trauma and therefore attribute their intense feelings the best way that they can - love.



Theories on why battered women stay have ranged from "learned helplessness" to masochism to feminist theory regarding status and resources. While some of these issues (learned helplessness and a lack of resources) can be contributing factors it is time we look at the bond created by severe, prolonged trauma.



Traumatic bonding was first recognized and acknowledged during a hostage incident in Stockholm, Sweden. Authorities were amazed that the hostages refused to cooperate with them and actually saw law enforcement as the villains. What they were witnessing was the hostage's identification with the hostage taker. Authorities were even more shocked when the hostages refused to testify against their captors and one of the women later married him. While hostages may bond after a matter of hours batterers usually have many years with the victims without any interference or intervention.



This bond occurs because the well being of a child, a hostage or a battered woman depends upon the hostage taker or the batterer. If a batterer has total control over her money, safety, peace and happiness then it is in her best interest to keep him happy. This bond is not only in the best interest of the perpetrator but is, at times, in the best interest of the victim and is frequently necessary for her survival. If a hostage, or battered woman, is argumentative and provocative they are more likely to be injured. If a batterer or hostage taker dislikes the victim their likelihood of injury increases.



We often berate the victim for staying in these relationships and can't understand how it happened. A violent, controlling man does not take a woman out and beat her on the first date. We all put on our best face when we initially meet people and batterers are no different. If he took the woman out and beat her on the first date there would be no second date. She has no history or investment in the relationship and wouldn't tolerate it. His taking control of her is a gradual process.



Battered women, hostages and prisoner's of war will share some of the same experiences. Some of these shared experiences are that they are degraded, debilitated, they experience the constant threat of violence, the violence is intermittent, their are occasional indulgences, the captor demonstrates omnipotence, isolation etc...



The dynamics involved in domestic violence can be demonstrated by what's called The Power And Control Wheel by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP). It's interesting because when we compare Bidermans Chart of Coercion by Amnesty International with the Power and Control Wheel they are almost identical.Bidermans Chart of Coercion is how Amnesty International documented the techniques of the Communist Chinese, KGB, etc.



There are many types of service providers coming in contact with battered women who are still unaware of why these women stay. These service providers are unable to address the bigger picture due to a lack of information. The inability to address this issue creates many problems. Law enforcement, and much of society, still blames the women for defending their attackers, unaware of the fact that not only is defending the attacker in her best interest but the bond itself reduces her injury. The victims are not given the information they need to deal with the bond they feel and therefore attribute their perplexing feelings to "love." Allowing them, and their children, to continue in traumatic relationships.



While we advise diplomats who have been taken hostage against confrontational behavior we ask that battered women cooperate with law enforcement who can frequently only guarantee her safety for a matter of hours. I am not saying that battered women should not cooperate. I am asking that we rethink our approach to domestic violence based on the fact that a traumatic bond is occurring and that the bond itself must be taken into consideration and dealt with.



For more information contact VJC Inc for a copy of the book Traumatic Bonding and the Development of the Stockholm Syndrome in Battered Women.

hit counter

Daily Meditations for Women Who Love Too Much

Our own recovery must be our first priority if we want to be of help. In order to give something, we have to have it ourselves.