Intimate Partner Violence Facts

What is Intimate Partner Violence?
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is emotional, verbal, physical or sexual violence occurring between partners. IPV takes place regardless of sexual orientation, race, social status, economic status, age group or educational background. IPV is not a heterosexual phenomenon nor is it based on gender. IPV is a choice to exert power and control over one’s partner.
Is IPV Always Physical Abuse?
In IPV abusers use control, rape, power, manipulation, isolation, lies, intimidation, weapons, economic control, harassment, verbal and emotional abuse, racism, and coercive and violent actions against their partners. IPV does not necessarily leave a visible wound or bruise.
Unique Challenges That LGBTQ Individuals Face When
Experiencing IPV
• Homosexuality is a divisive issue for many families that may result in
the rejection of the family members who identify as lesbian, gay, bi- sexual or transgender. Therefore, many LGBTQ individuals find a sense of belonging with their partners that they may not experience with their own families. This sense of belonging can make it difficult to end an abusive relationship.
• Institutional biases, such as heterosexism and homophobia, may decrease access to the services or support available to LGBTQ individuals who are experiencing IPV.
• Abusers may employ homophobic rhetoric in the treatment of their partners, reinforcing shame and fear in their partners.
Statistics About Intimate Partner Violence in LGBTQ Communities
Little research has been done on LGBTQ IPV. One reason is that scholarship on the LGBTQ community is in its infancy, and much of the research that exists
concentrates on sexuality or the experience of coming out. Second, LGBTQ IPV is
under-reported because of victims’ experiences of homophobia, heterosexism and
racism.
The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCAVP), which is made up of 33 members nationwide, is one of the few organizations that gather statistics on IPV in LGBTQ relationships. NCAVP reports the following:*
Nationwide:
• IPV occurs in 1 out of 4 heterosexual relationships, and it is predicted that similar rates exist in LGBTQ relationships.
• About 34% of the reported victims of IPV were between 19 and 49 years old.
• Over 38% of the victims who reported incidences of IPV were people of color.

*All statistics reported in this document are derived from National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Domestic Violence In The United States In 2006. To view the complete report, visit www.ncavp.org.

Section 8 & VAWA - Violence Against Women Act

SC State Housing Finance and Development Authority:�VAWA

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM). Everyone who knows me knows that this particular cause is near and dear to my heart. Every October I usually blog something about Domestic Violence. In the past I was big on quoting statistics and encouraging my readers to support victims. This year I will focus more on providing information that will benefit the victims themselves.

So, last night I was on the SC State Housing website and I ran across the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). I learned that the housing authority cannot discriminate against Domestic Violence (DV) Victims. When I first read it, I thought, "Cool".

However, I had to read deeper to get the full details. The following sums up what I learned about how Section 8 assistance affects domestic violence, dating violence and stalking victims and abusers:

• The housing authority cannot deny rental assistance because someone is a victim of domestic violence, dating violence, or stalking.
• A victim CANNOT be terminated or evicted based on acts or threats against them.
• You can be evicted because of actual and imminent (immediate) threats to other tenants or employees at your property if you remain in the housing.
• You cannot be evicted because of criminal domestic violent acts committed against you by a member of your home or guest of your home if you are the victim.
• A landlord is allowed to legally split the lease and evict the abuser who commits violence against family members while allowing the victims and other household members to remain in public assistance housing.
• Abusers can also have their Section 8 assistance terminated and the victim can continue to receive benefits.
• If a victim must move for safety reasons, the housing authority will allow them to keep their assistance even if their lease not up yet.

The facts listed above pertain to South Carolina state law only.  I cannot speak for other states at the moment.    However, the following links may help:

• If you are in the New York area:  http://www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/html/services/housing.shtml
• I thought this site had some very useful information:  http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/statistics.shtml
• If you need to plan an escape I recommend The National Domestic Violence Hotline:  http://www.thehotline.org/
• State by State fact sheets can be found here:  http://www.ncadv.org/resources/FactSheets.php  Each state also lists resources to help victims.  Highly recommended if you need help and want to look for help in your area.

Recommended Reading:

• Not To People Like Us
• Women Who Love Too Much
• Daily Meditations For Women Who Love Too Much

~~Namaste~~

Repost Thanks to Chris & Rihanna

The recent alleged incident involving Chris Brown and Rihanna prompted me to repost the “Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality.” If you or someone you know is involved in a relationship with a battering personality, please seek help.

Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality.
Many people are interested in ways to predict whether they are becoming involved with someone who might be physically abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in abusive people; the last four behaviors (16-19) are almost always indicators that a person is a batterer. If the person has several of the other behaviors, there is a strong potential for physical violence.The more signs a person has, the more likely they are a batterer. In some cases a batterer may have only a couple of very exaggerated behaviors (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Initially, the batterer will try to explain the behavior as a sign of love and concern, and you may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control. FBI statistics show that 95% of all domestic violence is male violence against women.

1. Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will usually say jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. A jealous person will question you about who you talk to, accuse you of flirting or be jealous of the time you spend with family, friends or children (anyone but them). As jealousy escalates, the person may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. A jealous person may refuse to let you work for fear you will meet someone else or may exhibit strange behaviors such as checking the mileage on your car or asking friends to watch you.
2. Controlling Behaviors: At first, a batterer may explain controlling behavior as concern for your safety, your need to use your time well or your need to make good decisions. An abuser will be angry if you are “late” returning from the store or an appointment and may question you closely about where you went and
   who you talked to. As the controlling behavior escalates, an abuser may try to control your personal decision about your home, clothing, religious choices and money. Some abusers may try to require you to
   ask permission to leave the room or the house.
3. Quick Involvement: Many people in abusive relationships dated or knew their batterer for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. A batterer may come on like a whirlwind, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to.” or “I’ve never felt loved like this before.” A batterer needs
   someone desperately and may pressure you to commit.
4. Unrealistic Expectations: Batterers are very dependent on others for all of their needs. A batterer may expect a partner to be a perfect mate, parent, lover and friend. A batterer may say things like, “If you love me, I’m all you need.” You are supposed to take care of everything for the batterer, emotionally and in the home. Generally, batterers are unable to tolerate frustration.
5. Isolation: A batterer will try to cut you off from all resources. If you have close friends, a batterer may make disparaging, gender specific remarks about them or disparaging remarks about your family ties. A batterer may accuse people who support you of “causing trouble.” A batterer may want to live in the
   country without a phone, not let you use the car, or try to keep you from working or going to school.
6. Blames Others for Personal Problems: If a batterer is chronically unemployed, someone else is always doing the batterer wrong or “out to get them.” A batterer may make mistakes and blame you for causing them. A batterer may blame or fault you for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. Blames Others for Personal Feelings: A batterer may say “You make me mad.” “You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask.” or “I can’t help being this mad.” Each of us may our own decisions about how we think and feel, but a batterer will use feelings to manipulate you. Harder to catch are claims like “You make me happy.”
8. Hypersensitivity: A batterer is easily insulted, claiming “hurt” feelings when really feeling very mad or may take the slightest set-back as a personal attack. A batterer will rant and rave about the injustice of things that have happened—things that are really just a part of living, i.e., being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told that a personal habit is annoying or being asked to help with chores.
9. Cruelty to Children and/or Animals: Batterers may punish (take power over) children and/or animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain or suffering. A batterer may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (spank a two year old for wetting a diaper) or may tease children or young brothers or sisters until they cry. A large percentage of batterers who beat an adult partner also beat their children. A batterer may not want children to eat at the table or expect them to stay in their
   room all evening (stay out of the way).
10. “Playful” Use of Force in Sex: Some batterers like to overpower their partner, holding them down during sex, or act out fantasies during sex while the partner is helpless (i.e., rape is exciting). A batterer may show little concern about whether a partner wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate a partner’s compliance. A batterer may start having sex while a partner is sleeping, or demand sex when a partner is tired or ill.
11. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, verbal abuse can be gender degrading, cursing, running down accomplishments. An abuser may say a partner is stupid and unable to function alone; sometimes waking the partner from sleep to verbally abuse or not allowing sleep.
12. Rigid Sex Roles: Batterers expect to be served; may require a partner’s presence in the home at all times; expect to be obeyed in all things – even things that are criminal in nature. An abuser believes is gender superiority.
13. Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde: Many people are confused by the abuser’s “sudden” mood changes – they will describe that one minute the abuser is nice and the next, exhibits explosive anger. They think the abuser has some “mental problem” or is “crazy.” Explosive anger and mood swings are typical of batterers and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity and violent temper.
14. A History of Abuse: Having been abused physically or sexually as a child or having witnessed abuse of a mother by a father, does not necessarily make a person a batterer. But it does provide a model of unequal power and violence as a means of solving problems. It is the one common piece of history for all batterers…they have seen the battery of their mothers when they were young.
15. Substance Abuse: Heavy drinking or drug use are often correlated with domestic violence. These are not the cause of battering, but abusers sometimes excuse their behavior by saying, “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
16. Past Battering: A batterer may admit battering in the past, but someone else was at fault. You may hear from relatives or ex-spouses that your partner is abusive. A batterer will beat any person they
    become intimate with. The circumstances of any situation do not cause battering.
17. Threats of Violence: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control you. “I’ll slap your mouth,” “I’ll kill you.” or “I’ll break your neck.” In reasonable relationships, partners to not threaten each other. A batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying “Everybody talks this way.”
18. Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior may be used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize you into submission. The batterer may beat on tables or walls; throw objects at or near you. Again, this is a very significant behavior; only immature people beat on object in
    the presence of others in order to threaten them.
19. Any Force Used During an Argument: This may involve holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room and any pushing or shoving. (An abuser may hold you against a wall and say, “You’re going to listen to me.”

See more progress on: Become an advocate for abused women

Stats from SisterCare

75% of women killed by their husbands were attempting to leave or getting a divorce.

A woman is six times more likely to be assaulted by her husband than by a stranger.

Approximately one half of all couples experience at least one violent incident; in one fourth of these couples, violence is a common occurrence.

25% of women who are beaten are pregnant.

Over 70% of the children whose mothers are battered are physically abused, too.

Today is Monday, November 5, 2007

and I am thankful for:

• Lessons learned. Life lessons you learn just by living from day to day. I've learned so much over the years and I keep what I learn. I am thankful that I can apply what I learn to new situations.
• Depression no more. I was talking with my mom the other day and she was telling me how proud she is of my growth over the past two years. She mentioned my temporary depression and how proud she was that I came out of it without her help. I am thankful that I applied what God gave me to overcome that crying affair with the couch.
• The $100 I found in my purse this morning! Yes, I found 5 twenty dollar bills folded up in my purse this morning. The Universe is GOD and good to me!
• This forum to share my blessings with.
• Abuse NO MORE. I am so happy that I am no longer living an abusive life. I am so thankful that I have learned to identify the characteristics of an abusive person. I can now avoid all of that and not make the same mistakes I've made in the past.
• The fact that I no longer attract abusiveness into my life. I have learned to love me unconditionally and I accept nothing less from the outside world. If you can't love the way I love me or better, then there is no room for you in my life.
• The fact that my children recognize the above and are living it in their lives as well.
• The fact that I have so much to be thankful for. Life is good. God is good. The Universe is most splendid to me.

Have a most splendid day!

Lifetime Drama Part III

Shortly after the threesome incident, we moved to Nebraska. During the entire two years there I was angry with God for allowing my husband to succumb to such sin. I felt that if I was a good wife and did what I was told and suppose to do, then every one around me would behave as well. I was so wrong. Lesson learned: It's not always about me. It's not all about me.

While in Nebraska, he asked me to take a polygraph regarding all the stuff from the past he was constantly hounding me about. The test would also include other questions he had that I knew nothing about. He promised that things would be better if I took the test. He promised to be nicer to me. He promised he'd be a better husband. Well I took the polygraph test and passed it. Things didn’t change. They got worse. After the test he told me he didn't believe in them. He spent $300 for something he claimed he didn't believe in. Lesson Learned: Never compromise who you really are to appease someone else's insecurities.

Shortly after the polygraph, he contacted an old girlfriend to apologize for taking her virginity and then marrying me. He kept the email relationship against my wishes. I begged him to stop emailing her. I warned him of the dangers of this type of relationship. He said this was something he had to do and if he had to choose he’d choose his “friendship” with this other woman over his marriage with me. It was then that I emotionally checked out of the relationship. Lesson Learned: It's not all about me. I have to love me more than I love you.

After I emotionally checked out I made plans to leave. He told me he would never divorce me unless I cheated on him. Well, I knew I could make that happen. I pursued a sexual affair with someone he warned me to stay away from just to get back at him and get my divorce. When I told him about my affair, he said he would never divorce me. That was so wrong. I deeply regret my decision to compromise my values. Lesson Learned: Always be true to you. Never let your fears rule your life.

When we moved back to South Carolina, Tony continued his online relationship with Nikkole. I began to seek more counseling at First Baptist Church to help me. This time it was better than the first time. I only saw the married adult minister a few times until I thought it was enough. Lesson Learned: Seek professional help, not laymen's help.