Friday, January 22, 2010

Get Widdit!

For the past 2-3 weeks I don’t feel that I have been “widdit”.  I have been having trouble concentrating.  Strangely though, I have not had trouble sticking to certain tasks once I got started with them.

I have been feeling like I am doing something wrong.  Not living up to my potential.  Not following my true calling.  I have had this nagging feeling that I should be working in the health care field.  Ugh.  Back in 2006 I was seriously considering going back to school to get a degree in Physical Therapy.  The main things that kept me in my current field were the money and me not wanting to make such a drastic change.

I can do it.  I know I can.  Something is blocking me.  I am blocking myself.  Fear of losing the current salary I have.  Fear of changing my life so drastically in so many ways. 

I must be honest with myself.  I need to write down exactly what I want and how I want it.  I’ve been avoiding what’s true.  I’ve been avoiding my Dharma and it shows in every aspect of me and my life.  My bedroom turned into another mess about two weeks ago and I have not made any effort to fix it.  Despite the fact that I’ve been working out and eating right, I feel pregnant.  I hate it.

Work.  I like my job.  I like the work that I do.  However, I am not passionate about it.  I think that’s my problem.  I have no passion for this job.  I have moments when I get passionately frustrated.  But I do not have moments when I am passionately pleased or happy.  I do have those satisfied/pleased with my work moments.  I just cannot remember having a PASSION for this work.  If I ever did, I don’t remember it now.

In any event, that’s what I want.  I want to have a PASSION for the work that I do.  I want to love my job.  I want to love doing what I do on a daily basis.  I mean really LOVE it.

I embrace my Responsibility Affirmation for today:
“I no longer spend my time in fruitless activities, associations, or relationships.  I surround myself with people who honor my path, who manifest a positive attitude, who are empowering, & who are willing to give and receive my help.”  I had to delete some people from my life because they don’t fit this description.

§         I see my days beginning with yoga, meditation, prayer, reading, and writing.
§         Light housework.
§         Getting the boys started.  Assisting the boys in getting started with their day.  Overseeing the boys on the beginning of their day.  Guiding the boys on the beginning of their day.
§         A quick refreshing walk.
§         Breakfast.
§         Fulfilling work that I love and am passionate about.  Work in a field that fits who I am. 
§         Having a full productive day that I know matters in the grand scheme of things.
§         Home, family time, homework, dinner, light chores, self love, family love.

There.  I did it.  Next step is to go into more detail of a typical weekday and then a typical weekend.

Note:  All of this could have easily been prompted by a few personal things going in my life such as Cynthia’s situation, my cousin Timothy, and my step father’s illness all occurring at the same time.

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