Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Lifetime Drama Part II

When we left England we came back to South Carolina to attend the University of South Carolina as full-time students. We enrolled in Air Force Reserve Officer Training Corps. I was not allowed to stay in the program because we were married with a child, so I pursued a degree in Math. I wanted to get a degree in Math Education, but Tony said that I would do better not to go into teaching. He said I was too soft to teach and that I’d make more money pursuing something else. With him it was mostly about the money.

When my grandfather died, he told me that he would go to the funeral and that I should go to work because we needed the money. Like a fool I listened to him, went to work, left early and got to the funeral too late. I let him pressure me into doing too many things that were not healthy, wise or sane.

After he graduated from USC, we moved to our 1st house. It was there that he first threatened suicide. He was still harassing me about the past. I kept telling him the same thing over and over. He didn’t believe me. Well, one day he was hounding me about the past again, he was crying saying that my story didn’t add up. He had our young son in his lap. He was sitting on the floor next to an electrical outlet with a fork in his hand. He said that if I didn’t come clean with him he would put the fork into the electrical outlet with our son sitting in his lap. I was terrified. I didn’t want my little boy hurt by him and I didn’t want to become a widow at such a young age. I don’t remember what I told him to get the child from him, but I do remember calling the suicide hotline regarding him later on. I avoided him for about two weeks after that incident.

When we left our 1st house, we moved to a new subdivision. It was there when I noticed that his viewing of pornography increased. Shortly after we moved there he also acquired an account with the Columbia Singles Line. He talked to several women on the line and he also tried to get me involved as well. I told him that I wanted no part of it. I also told him that he shouldn’t be involved with the line because it was dangerous and that he was playing with fire. His reply was that he knew what he was doing and he could handle it and not go too far. I was devastated.

Shortly after being on the Columbia Singles Line, he approached me with participating in a threesome with another woman on the line. I initially said no. I begged and pleaded with him to drop the account and leave the line alone. He said this was something he had to do and he would do it with or without me. I was so hurt. I felt that he really didn’t care about me because he knew that this was something I really didn’t want to participate in or do. It was totally against who I was as a person and against everything I believed in. He was asking me to participate in premeditated sin. I thought that life in and of itself was hard enough without trying to commit premeditated sin. I knew that it was wrong and would open our lives to the horrible unimaginable consequences.

After he approached me with this, I sought counseling at First Baptist Church. I didn’t find it too helpful. I was basically told to be a good wife, try to save my marriage and follow God. I became angry and resentful. I didn’t know how to resolve these problems. I felt helpless. I was so shaken and upset that I couldn't perform well on my job. My co-workers noticed a marked change in me, but they didn't say anything.

Now I know how to handle such problems. I wish I knew then what I know now.

After pressuring me to participate for some time, we got into a huge fight. Late one night we were in bed talking/arguing about my lack of desire to play threesome with him and a stranger. I was so fed up I decided to go to the guest bedroom to sleep. He followed me and hounded me. I told him to get away from me. That's when he picked me up and threw me to the floor. He grabbed me so hard his nails left impressions in my arms.

The next morning I packed up all of my stuff and left him. It was the first time I left him. I went to my dad's house but I didn't tell my dad why I was there. I did tell my mom and my stepmom. At the time we had been married for seven years and he didn't even know how to get to my dad's house. That's why I chose to go to Daddy's.

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